so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
