Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
