I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
MIDGETS
????
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Enjoy the penises
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
