It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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