dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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