So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
