Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
don't judge my taste in strippers
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
