I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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