No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
