Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
