I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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