In the future we'll all be gay
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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