Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
