did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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