Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
