There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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