I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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