Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
