very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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