just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
