i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
