I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
