How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
