we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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