shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
