Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
