im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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