That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
