if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sext me about skeletons
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
