ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
