I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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