The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like iHOP with fire
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
