Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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