i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
