I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
