I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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