We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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