I look better un-naked...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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