Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
