I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
