if i can run in heels then i can drive
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
