He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
