What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
