the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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