I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
