remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
