I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
