Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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