Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
