well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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