I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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