i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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